god i feel absolutly terrible. it is quarter past six in the evening and i just feel like crawling in bed and sleeping to never wake up again. i spent the entire night awake, god knows why, and i've had terrible "naps" for less then hour since about six in the morning. well i've had about two. i'm always hot, and i tried eating because i've been fasting for awhile and i thought that was going to make me ill. i ended up binging.
chocolate....
half a cheese sandwich....
five cookies....yuck.....
and it made me feel even worse. my eyes are sore and i just absolutly hate today. i just want to get better.....
Wednesday 10 November 2010
Tuesday 9 November 2010
another e m p t y day
hm...this is my fourth blog now, or something like that. i know i've had many, perhaps too many but not even God can define that i suppose. you can call me Gaignun. it's not my real name, of course, its the name of the person i admire. i'm a female from sunny england who just wants a little bit of perfect in her life. for years i've hated my body, i've tried purging and starving and doing all sorts of rubbish. heh i remember when i was little when i got in the bath one day i panicked because i thought i "had a baby growing in my tummy!" i was only young then - i had no idea about how babies were made xD i used to hate how i looked, perhaps not as much as i do now. i remember hearing on the television about how people exorcised to lose tons and tons of weight, and i think thats when my obsession with my P.E lessons began [tho i was still put on a health and nutrition rather then a full blown physical education course]. i used to go to an academy [I'm sixteen now and i left school just half a year ago] where there was a really good gym i used to attend whenever possible. i snacked a lot when i was younger, i used to relish my fast metabolism even tho i hated how i looked. people used to lie to me. they used to lie and tell me i looked skinny and admired me.
when i was in seconday school i started off in years seven and eight eating half my lunch and no breakfast. i would eat half a brown bread, tuna or salad sandwich and people would be amazed. for the first time in year nine i ate a full sandwich in front of my friends who were amazed with me. they were so amazed they wouldn't stop going on about it. then i made myself a new group of friends and then i skipped lunch altogether. all i ate in a day [or drank] was coke. my old friends were complaining [and still do in college now] that they were fat but they used to eat three giant cookies a day a long with their lunch and i was disgusted. i heard when i was little about celebrities starving themselves and just eating tissue paper. thats perhaps when i started starving in year ten.
i was a protected little thing and i didnt/still don't have a social life because i wouldn't go out. all the places you go have to involved food, food and more food so i just avoided them. i never knew about eating disorders until the begining of this year, when i was fifteen [yes, shock HORROR]. i was on the internet when i found out about them, finding out about diets because i had become so obsessed now. my first starving day was in year ten, when i was around fourteen or fifteen, after a huge family thing. i remember forcing myself not to eat the entire day and coming home a little ratty, giving excuses as to why i don't want to eat and lying about eating [tho i'm so good at that now]. i know my story sounds a little weird, i'm ranting at night and i'm so tired xD
so now i'm sixteen, a failure of a girl and in college. i starve myself regulary and try to avoid eating in the day at any costs. i'll eat half of my dinner and thats it. i know its not much but its less then 400 calories and i guess thats good (: i'm not claiming to be pro-ana or a "wanna-be anorexic". this is who i am. i might have an eating disorder, i don't really know. i'm too fat to have anything i suppose.
i'm struggling to get to college anymore. its been a week and a half since i've gone because i feel so fat. my friends are worried. my grades are going to slip and i'm going to get kicked out. all because i know i'm too fat to be seen. life is hard, yeah but its mine and it makes me sort of happy to say no to food. hehe i think i ranted really badly in my first post so yeah this is it from me x
xxxxG a i g n u n !
when i was in seconday school i started off in years seven and eight eating half my lunch and no breakfast. i would eat half a brown bread, tuna or salad sandwich and people would be amazed. for the first time in year nine i ate a full sandwich in front of my friends who were amazed with me. they were so amazed they wouldn't stop going on about it. then i made myself a new group of friends and then i skipped lunch altogether. all i ate in a day [or drank] was coke. my old friends were complaining [and still do in college now] that they were fat but they used to eat three giant cookies a day a long with their lunch and i was disgusted. i heard when i was little about celebrities starving themselves and just eating tissue paper. thats perhaps when i started starving in year ten.
i was a protected little thing and i didnt/still don't have a social life because i wouldn't go out. all the places you go have to involved food, food and more food so i just avoided them. i never knew about eating disorders until the begining of this year, when i was fifteen [yes, shock HORROR]. i was on the internet when i found out about them, finding out about diets because i had become so obsessed now. my first starving day was in year ten, when i was around fourteen or fifteen, after a huge family thing. i remember forcing myself not to eat the entire day and coming home a little ratty, giving excuses as to why i don't want to eat and lying about eating [tho i'm so good at that now]. i know my story sounds a little weird, i'm ranting at night and i'm so tired xD
so now i'm sixteen, a failure of a girl and in college. i starve myself regulary and try to avoid eating in the day at any costs. i'll eat half of my dinner and thats it. i know its not much but its less then 400 calories and i guess thats good (: i'm not claiming to be pro-ana or a "wanna-be anorexic". this is who i am. i might have an eating disorder, i don't really know. i'm too fat to have anything i suppose.
i'm struggling to get to college anymore. its been a week and a half since i've gone because i feel so fat. my friends are worried. my grades are going to slip and i'm going to get kicked out. all because i know i'm too fat to be seen. life is hard, yeah but its mine and it makes me sort of happy to say no to food. hehe i think i ranted really badly in my first post so yeah this is it from me x
xxxxG a i g n u n !
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