another e m p t y day

hm...this is my fourth blog now, or something like that. i know i've had many, perhaps too many but not even God can define that i suppose. you can call me Gaignun. it's not my real name, of course, its the name of the person i admire. i'm a female from sunny england who just wants a little bit of perfect in her life. for years i've hated my body, i've tried purging and starving and doing all sorts of rubbish. heh i remember when i was little when i got in the bath one day i panicked because i thought i "had a baby growing in my tummy!" i was only young then - i had no idea about how babies were made xD i used to hate how i looked, perhaps not as much as i do now. i remember hearing on the television about how people exorcised to lose tons and tons of weight, and i think thats when my obsession with my P.E lessons began [tho i was still put on a health and nutrition rather then a full blown physical education course]. i used to go to an academy [I'm sixteen now and i left school just half a year ago] where there was a really good gym i used to attend whenever possible. i snacked a lot when i was younger, i used to relish my fast metabolism even tho i hated how i looked. people used to lie to me. they used to lie and tell me i looked skinny and admired me.

when i was in seconday school i started off in years seven and eight eating half my lunch and no breakfast. i would eat half a brown bread, tuna or salad sandwich and people would be amazed. for the first time in year nine i ate a full sandwich in front of my friends who were amazed with me. they were so amazed they wouldn't stop going on about it. then i made myself a new group of friends and then i skipped lunch altogether. all i ate in a day [or drank] was coke. my old friends were complaining [and still do in college now] that they were fat but they used to eat three giant cookies a day a long with their lunch and i was disgusted. i heard when i was little about celebrities starving themselves and just eating tissue paper. thats perhaps when i started starving in year ten.

i was a protected little thing and i didnt/still don't have a social life because i wouldn't go out. all the places you go have to involved food, food and more food so i just avoided them. i never knew about eating disorders until the begining of this year, when i was fifteen [yes, shock HORROR]. i was on the internet when i found out about them, finding out about diets because i had become so obsessed now. my first starving day was in year ten, when i was around fourteen or fifteen, after a huge family thing. i remember forcing myself not to eat the entire day and coming home a little ratty, giving excuses as to why i don't want to eat and lying about eating [tho i'm so good at that now]. i know my story sounds a little weird, i'm ranting at night and i'm so tired xD

so now i'm sixteen, a failure of a girl and in college. i starve myself regulary and try to avoid eating in the day at any costs. i'll eat half of my dinner and thats it. i know its not much but its less then 400 calories and i guess thats good (: i'm not claiming to be pro-ana or a "wanna-be anorexic". this is who i am. i might have an eating disorder, i don't really know. i'm too fat to have anything i suppose.

i'm struggling to get to college anymore. its been a week and a half since i've gone because i feel so fat. my friends are worried. my grades are going to slip and i'm going to get kicked out. all because i know i'm too fat to be seen. life is hard, yeah but its mine and it makes me sort of happy to say no to food. hehe i think i ranted really badly in my first post so yeah this is it from me x

xxxxG a i g n u n !