let me f a d e ;;

Or hating nothing.
I don't know. I feel so emotionless from the world right now, I don't know what I hate and what I don't.

Mother found out I'm cutting again a week and two days ago. Since then I've "stopped". There are 108 cuts on my arms. I'm glad she found out. I cut deeply on the Thursday before she found out and I couldn't stop crying and it was an inch in width and an few inches in length. I thought, genuinly, that I was going to die. I still can't straighten my arm because its on the inside of it, making movement difficult. But yeah, I'm okay now, of course. I told her I wanted to stop and she was so lovely and understanding, but everythings hard to deal with at the moment. I've cut ten times since I said I'd stop. I'm a horrible person.

Went to the Doctor too, who was more interested in my sex life; she doesn't believe anything to be wrong with me but apparantly I'm going to speak to someone in a few weeks. I'd be dead by then if it were up to me. Mum's worried because I've got no friends anymore. Well I don't hang out with anyone. I can't tell her I don't have any friends but meh, I don't really care. I prefer my own company.

Todays one of those days where I'm emotionless. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be nice and hyper. Right now I just want to crawl up in bed and fade away.

six billion people

and not one of them i can trust. im in a lot of pain today. i woke up yesterday morning at 97lbs, happy, happy, but by the end of the day i was 101.8. couldnt stop crying, couldnt stop and i just...i dont know but it was utterly horrible. when i woke up this morning it was the usual "oh how much do i weigh today? i have to go see....i have to go see..."

it took me an hour to work up the courage to get out of bed and put my feet on the scales, which read 97.5. i still feel like killing myself. i'm a fat f*ck, a waste of space, a burden and a disguisting creature. especially because i had to eat breakfast this morning and it wasnt the typical peice on toast shit. it was an egg, three sausages, and beans and i feel so full i just want to purge and purge and purge. dad and gail arent going out until later tho, so by the time i do purge most of the calories will have been used but i have to. i have to feel empty again. clean and empty and light as the air.

i swear i woke up last night and spoke to someone....

my hands feel fat
my hands are fat
covered in fat fat fat

i want to get a syringe
and suck it all out
just suck out the fats
i've had these thoughts for a few days now
i want it to go

i feel s i c k ;;

god i feel absolutly terrible. it is quarter past six in the evening and i just feel like crawling in bed and sleeping to never wake up again. i spent the entire night awake, god knows why, and i've had terrible "naps" for less then hour since about six in the morning. well i've had about two. i'm always hot, and i tried eating because i've been fasting for awhile and i thought that was going to make me ill. i ended up binging.

chocolate....
half a cheese sandwich....
five cookies....yuck.....
and it made me feel even worse. my eyes are sore and i just absolutly hate today. i just want to get better.....

another e m p t y day

hm...this is my fourth blog now, or something like that. i know i've had many, perhaps too many but not even God can define that i suppose. you can call me Gaignun. it's not my real name, of course, its the name of the person i admire. i'm a female from sunny england who just wants a little bit of perfect in her life. for years i've hated my body, i've tried purging and starving and doing all sorts of rubbish. heh i remember when i was little when i got in the bath one day i panicked because i thought i "had a baby growing in my tummy!" i was only young then - i had no idea about how babies were made xD i used to hate how i looked, perhaps not as much as i do now. i remember hearing on the television about how people exorcised to lose tons and tons of weight, and i think thats when my obsession with my P.E lessons began [tho i was still put on a health and nutrition rather then a full blown physical education course]. i used to go to an academy [I'm sixteen now and i left school just half a year ago] where there was a really good gym i used to attend whenever possible. i snacked a lot when i was younger, i used to relish my fast metabolism even tho i hated how i looked. people used to lie to me. they used to lie and tell me i looked skinny and admired me.

when i was in seconday school i started off in years seven and eight eating half my lunch and no breakfast. i would eat half a brown bread, tuna or salad sandwich and people would be amazed. for the first time in year nine i ate a full sandwich in front of my friends who were amazed with me. they were so amazed they wouldn't stop going on about it. then i made myself a new group of friends and then i skipped lunch altogether. all i ate in a day [or drank] was coke. my old friends were complaining [and still do in college now] that they were fat but they used to eat three giant cookies a day a long with their lunch and i was disgusted. i heard when i was little about celebrities starving themselves and just eating tissue paper. thats perhaps when i started starving in year ten.

i was a protected little thing and i didnt/still don't have a social life because i wouldn't go out. all the places you go have to involved food, food and more food so i just avoided them. i never knew about eating disorders until the begining of this year, when i was fifteen [yes, shock HORROR]. i was on the internet when i found out about them, finding out about diets because i had become so obsessed now. my first starving day was in year ten, when i was around fourteen or fifteen, after a huge family thing. i remember forcing myself not to eat the entire day and coming home a little ratty, giving excuses as to why i don't want to eat and lying about eating [tho i'm so good at that now]. i know my story sounds a little weird, i'm ranting at night and i'm so tired xD

so now i'm sixteen, a failure of a girl and in college. i starve myself regulary and try to avoid eating in the day at any costs. i'll eat half of my dinner and thats it. i know its not much but its less then 400 calories and i guess thats good (: i'm not claiming to be pro-ana or a "wanna-be anorexic". this is who i am. i might have an eating disorder, i don't really know. i'm too fat to have anything i suppose.

i'm struggling to get to college anymore. its been a week and a half since i've gone because i feel so fat. my friends are worried. my grades are going to slip and i'm going to get kicked out. all because i know i'm too fat to be seen. life is hard, yeah but its mine and it makes me sort of happy to say no to food. hehe i think i ranted really badly in my first post so yeah this is it from me x

xxxxG a i g n u n !